Coup de Grâce
by ipreferwestside
Summary: She's falling down the rabbit hole of her mother's murder again, has taken a hold of their single lead and dug her claws in, and if she isn't careful, it will consume her, likely kill her. He won't let that happen. A Knockout AU. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**COUP DE GRÂCE  
PART ONE**

* * *

"How dangerous is he?"

Castle considers the man sitting across from him, the father of the woman he loves, unsure of how much to tell him. Jim Beckett lost the love of his life twelve years ago, and he's in danger of losing his daughter now. Castle can't imagine the worry, doesn't know how much he'd want to be told, if it was Alexis in this situation.

But one of the few things he knows about Jim is that he'd want the truth. Kate had told him that much once, that the Becketts are no-nonsense sort of people, her dad especially. So, Castle doesn't hold back, just tightens his grip on his mug.

"He's a trained killer."

Jim nods, his gaze dropping to his own mug, and he doesn't seem at all surprised. "What happens when she finds him?" He looks back up at Castle. "I've already lost my wife over this. I've already lost…" He trails off, takes a deep breath. "No, look. It took me years but I've made my peace with that. But Katie? She won't listen to me. And she won't back down. Not unless someone can convince her that her life is worth more than her mother's death."

Castle can only stare as the older man drains his mug and stands.

"Look, she cares about you, Rick. And unless you're a lot dumber than you look, I know you care about her. Don't let her throw her life away." He holds his hand out, and Castle stands as he takes it.

"I'll do what I can," he promises, and he will, he'll do whatever the hell he can to keep Beckett safe. "I wish we'd met under better circumstances."

Jim huffs out a laugh. "You and me both. Thanks for the coffee, Rick."

Castle leans against the closed door after he shuts it, and closes his eyes. Kate is spiraling; he sees it, her dad either sees it or has anticipated it. Hell, a blind person could see it. She's falling down the rabbit hole of her mother's murder again, has taken a hold of their single lead and dug her claws in, and if she isn't careful, it will consume her, likely kill her. He won't let that happen.

He _can't_ let that happen.

He scrapes his hand over his face, muffling a curse, and steps away from the door. He needs to see Kate. Tonight. Maybe he can get to her before she does something stupid.

His phone rings when he's slipping on his shoes. He almost ignores it, but when he remembers how late it is, he glances at the screen to see Montgomery's name glaring at him. His brows furrow in concern and he swipes to answer.

"Hello?"

"Castle, it's Roy. I need your help."

* * *

Rick gets to the hangar moments before all hell breaks loose.

Montgomery hadn't told him much, just that he needed to get to the hangar so he could get Kate out of danger. _Save Kate,_ Roy had said. _It doesn't matter what I did, I just need you to get Kate to a safe place._

So he carries a kicking and screaming Kate out of the hangar, traps her against her own car, his hand on her cheek, his heart breaking as she fights and sobs and eventually just sags against him.

When they hear the gunshots, he doesn't have the energy to hold her back when she pushes him away and runs back to the hangar. And when she kneels over Montgomery's lifeless body, he can only stand there and watch.

* * *

He follows her back to her apartment, where Ryan and Esposito are waiting. She'd asked him to call them, couldn't bring herself to do it herself. He doesn't tell them what happened, just that they need to meet him there.

Ryan pulls him aside as soon as they're in Kate's apartment, his grip on Castle's arm firm. "What's going on?" he asks in a low voice.

Castle just shakes his head.

Kate does most of the talking, explains what happened in the hangar in a low, controlled voice. She's the picture of calm, but Rick can hear a slight tremor, recognizes the tone. She's barely holding herself together. "No one outside this immediate family ever needs to know about this," she says when the boys are filled in. "As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero."

The boys leave shortly after their agreement, but Castle loiters by the door, watching as she disposes of the empty beer bottles. She pauses at the sink, hands gripping the counter and head bowed, and Castle can see her shoulders start to tremble.

He takes a few cautious steps towards her, not wanting to startle her in case she thinks he left. But his foot lands on a creaky floorboard and he freezes, but when Kate just slightly turns her head towards him, he joins her in the kitchen. He doesn't know what to say, what can alleviate the pain she must be feeling, so he just leans against the counter and says her name.

"You should go," she says quietly, head bowed. "Be with your family."

Castle shakes his head. "I'm not going anywhere. Not until I know you're okay. That you're safe."

She exhales and pushes herself from the counter. "I'm fine." She walks into the living room, and he follows, at her heels as usual.

"No, you're not," he argues. When she turns and crosses her arms with a glare, he doesn't flinch, just squares his shoulders and sets his jaw. "Montgomery's dead, Kate. Everybody who's been associated with this case is dead."

"Including Lockwood."

"He was just a hitman, you know that. They'll just send someone else."

Kate throws her arms out. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Walk away?"

"Yes." He hates himself a little for even saying it, but he can't lose Kate. He won't. "What's Roy's sacrifice if you get yourself killed? You can't avenge your mom's murder if you're dead too."

"I can't believe you just suggested that," Kate says in a low voice, shaking her head and turning from him. "I won't stop, Rick. I can't."

Rick hesitates just a moment before following her further into her apartment. "So what, you'll sacrifice yourself for the greater good?" She's mad, he can tell by the rigid set of her spine, but she has to see reason.

He can't lose her to this.

"At least think about what it would do to the people who you love you." When Kate just scoffs and turns back to face him, he keeps approaching her, stops just feet front of her. "What would it do to your dad? Or Josh?"

"And what about you, Rick?" She takes a step closer to him, eyes blazing, jaw set.

"Of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner. Your friend."

"Is that what we are?"

She's just inches from him, close enough that he can see her eyes darken, brown taking over the green, can see the flare of her nostrils.

He shakes his head. "No, you know what? I don't know _what_ we are. We kiss, we never talk about it. We almost die, frozen in each other's arms, and we never talk about it. Something could have happened in LA, but you fucking walked away." He hears her sharp inhale at the mention of the other city, but he barrels on. She needs to know how he feels, that there are others who care if she continues this suicidal quest for justice.

"So I don't know what we are, Kate," he continues, "but I know I don't want to watch you throw your life away. I care about you too much for that."

"Care about me, huh? Is that all?"

"Kate-"

"Tell me something, Rick," she snaps, his name cold on her tongue. "Is it me you care about, or your precious Nikki Heat?"

Castle's jaw drops. He sees regret flash in her eyes as soon as the words escape, but she stays firm, her whole body rigid. "You think that's what I care about?" he asks after a few long moments, after he's composed himself. "You think after all this time, it's still about the books?"

Kate crosses her arms over her chest. "Then what the hell are you still doing here? Why are you following me around?"

"You know why."

"I want you to tell me."

Castle has always been able to talk his way through anything. Words are his specialty, his way of life, but at that moment, they fail him. So he does the first thing his instincts move him to do.

He brackets her face in his hands, and kisses her.

It's rough, and hard, but he persists, feels her start to give beneath the hard press of his lips after just a few moments.

She grips the front of his shirt as she opens beneath him, tongue meeting his, a moan escaping her throat. As soon as her hands slide along his sides, his fall to her hips, and he tugs her into him, groans when their bodies press flush against each other.

"You bastard," she gasps when they part for air, but then her hands are in his hair and she's pulling his head down to hers again.

Castle lets her take control, lets her guide him back towards the living room and onto the couch, where she climbs onto his lap, working at the buttons on his shirt. His hands slip beneath her shirt, but before he can lift it she grunts and abandons his half-unbuttoned shirt for his belt. "Kate," he breathes, leaning back just far enough so he can see her eyes, dark, consumed with what he can only assume is lust.

She shakes her head and leaves his lap long enough to undo her jeans and shove them down her thighs. "Shut up."

* * *

She doesn't see him until the funeral.

He calls her, of course, but she ignores him. The sex had been...intense. Angry sex on her couch was not what she'd anticipated for their first time - at the very least, she'd imagined a bed - but she can't stop thinking about it. About him.

About his mouth on her, his hands, his…

She shakes her head as she steps out of the shower, wraps one towel in her hair and another around her body. Her phone rattles on her nightstand, Castle's smiling face looking at her from the screen. She declines the call.

He's called her 27 times in the four days since their fight, and she's declined or ignored every single one.

Sighing, she takes her uniform from the closet as she waits for the telltale beep of a left voice mail. A beep that doesn't come.

She sees him arrive just minutes before the funeral starts, with his mother and daughter in tow, but there's only enough time for a look before they have to carry the casket to the grave.

His look is full of longing, longing that she has to ignore.

"Kate-" he says quietly as they gather, but she shakes her head.

"Not now."

She thinks she manages to hide her surprise when he joins her at the podium after the flag is presented to Evelyn, but he's speaking after her, shows her the index cards in his pocket. So she simply gives him a small nod and steps up to the microphone.

Losing her mother had been devastating. Losing Roy, after finding out that he'd inadvertently started the events that had led to her mother being killed, is unbelievable. It feels like a nightmare. Even as she begins to speak, even as she can see Rick gazing at her from her peripheral.

He turns his head just once, but in that instance, everything changes.

She doesn't know what the sudden pain is in her chest, doesn't register Castle's shout until she's on the ground, and he's hovering over her.

He's saying something, something she doesn't understand, but as she tries to focus on his fading face, she hears eight words. Eight words that she knows will change her life.

"Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

But as the world fades to black, she wonders if she has any life left for him to change.


	2. Chapter 2

**COUP DE GRÂCE**  
 **PART TWO**

* * *

The smile he gives her when he walks into her hospital room is larger than any smile she's seen. He makes a crack about a flower shop but she replies on auto pilot, her mind too jumbled to make sense of their conversation.

"I hear that you tried to save me," she says after a long pause, her gaze dropping to her lap.

"Yeah." Castle clears his throat. "You - you heard?"

She lifts her gaze to see him regarding her, brows furrowed, unable to read his expression. "Yeah," she whispers, "I don't remember much of anything. I remember being at the podium, then…" She trails off.

"You don't remember…" He pulls a chair to the side of the bed. "You don't remember getting shot?"

"No."

She hopes he can't see it, can't see the dishonesty in her eyes, hopes that her face is as neutral as she needs it to be. Because she can't face it right now, can't face the fact that the man who's been at her side for over two years declared his love for her as she lay dying on the cemetery lawn.

She isn't even sure it actually happened. She thought she dreamed it, that it had been a figment of her imagination. But the way he's looking at her, like he wants nothing more than for her to say that she remembers, she loves him back, tells her that it wasn't a dream.

He loves her.

After what they've been through, how she pushed him away, even after what happened after Roy was killed, he still loves her.

 _Oh God._

She clears her throat and takes a sip of water before continuing. "They say some things are better not remembered."

"Are they?"

His voice is cold, and she forces herself to look at him, at the intensity of his stare. "Rick-"

"No, Kate," he interrupts, leaning forward in his chair, his hands inches from hers on the bed. "You heard me, and you remember what I said. I can see it in your eyes."

She sighs. She's tired, so tired, and she can feel the painkillers coursing through her system. But she can't fall asleep now, not yet. "I was shot in the heart, Rick," she says in a low voice, a hand curling at her chest. "I need time."

"How much time?"

"I don't know." She sighs, closes her eyes briefly. "Every time I close my eyes I'm back in that hangar." She lifts her eyes back to him. "You should have let me stay."

He shakes his head. "Not a chance in hell. They would have killed you. Hell, they still tried."

"And they didn't succeed." Kate clenches her fist at her chest, curls her other hand into her bedsheets so she doesn't press it against her side. Her whole body is throbbing, chest constricting, she feels like she can't get enough air. But she has to say this.

"I did hear what you said," she admits, her voice strained. She sees his eyes widen, but before he can say anything she continues. "But I can't right now. I just...I need space. Space from the hangar, space from...everything that happened."

Rick narrows his eyes, but nods after a few moments of silence, and glances down at his folded hands on her blanket. One hand inches towards hers, but he stops before they touch. "How much?"

"I don't know."

"Okay." He clears his throat and stands, brushing his hands over his jeans. "If you need space, I'll give you space."

"Rick," she calls out when he reaches the door, waiting until he turns to face her yet again. "I'll call you in a few days."

Castle gives her a small smile, but she sees the doubt in the lines creasing his forehead, in his eyes. "I look forward to it."

* * *

She doesn't call in a few days.

She doesn't call in a few weeks.

She doesn't call until the middle of summer, when she's been at her dad's cabin for almost a month, out of the noise and chaos of the city, away from feeling like she had a target on her back every time she took a breath.

When she does call it's impulsive; she watches as a hummingbird buzzes around one of the many feeders her dad has hanging outside. The bird flies from one feeder to another, and it reminds her so much of Castle, that she presses the call button on his contact page before she even realizes what she's doing.

"Beckett?"

She breathes a curse when he answers; of course he'd pick up on the second ring. He sounds confused, but he has an edge to his voice, and edge she understands.

"Hey, Castle," she says in greeting, her voice hoarse. She doesn't talk much, spends most of her days reading and doing her physical therapy. "How are you?"

"How-" He lets out a noise that's somewhere between a scoff and a laugh, and she hears the soft _whoosh_ of him sitting on something. His couch, maybe, or an armchair. Maybe his bed. "How am I?"

Kate makes her way to the couch, her still-healing wounds beginning to ache. She'd stopped taking her painkillers as soon as she checked herself out of the hospital, just two weeks after her shooting. She didn't feel like she deserved them then, she certainly doesn't now. Not when she's ignored her friend, partner, the man she finally admits to herself that she loves.

"How the hell do you think I am, Kate?" he snaps, bringing her from her thoughts as she sinks onto the couch. "Lanie told me you were at your dad's cabin, but obviously you have cell service. You couldn't call before now?"

Kate shakes her head and tries to twist to lean against the arm of the couch, but she tugs at her side, causes her to gasp in pain. _Shit._

His response is immediate. "Are you okay?" He lowers his voice, and she can imagine him leaning further into his phone.

"I'm okay," she manages to sink back into the cushions, draws a throw blanket around her. It's been a warm summer, but she's so cold, a persistent internal chill. "Nothing a little stretching can't help."

"Kate-"

"I'm fine, Castle." She puts the phone on speaker so she doesn't have to hold it, puts it on her lap. They're silent for several moments, and she just listens to him breathe.

"So, uh," Castle says, and he clears his throat, lets out a strained chuckle. "How are you, really?"

"I really am okay." Kate's gaze drifts to the window, to the hummingbird still at the feeders, and she smiles. "I just saw something that reminded me of you, that's all."

He chuckles. "What in the hell could remind you of me out in the woods?"

She explains the hummingbird, how it reminds her of how she'd called him a "nine-year-old on a sugar rush," and for the first time in the six weeks since it all went to hell, she laughs.

"Why'd you really call, Kate?" he eventually asks, as their laughter has died down and their conversation has stalled.

Kate sighs. "I don't know," she admits. "I'm sorry I haven't. I just…" She falls silent, wills him to say something, to excuse her, say it's fine and he's glad she called now, better late than never. But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything, and she eventually can't stand the silence anymore. "I needed space."

"Yeah, you said that in the hospital."

"I know you're angry-"

He scoffs. "Yeah, you're damn right I'm angry." His voice is cold now, and she can imagine his glare, his blue eyes, typically bright and full of laughter, now icy and dull. "It's been a month and a half. You said you'd call in a few days."

"I needed more." She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, wills the ache on her chest to dull. "I'm sorry, Rick. I should have called you a long time ago. I just...look, you were right, what you said after Roy died. I wasn't okay."

"Kate-"

"No, I need to say this. I'm sorry that I said you only cared about the books. It was out of line." She chuckles. "We really need to learn to communicate better."

"Yeah, we do. I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have let it get that far, not when you were with Josh."

"I wasn't," she admits in a low voice. "I broke up with him after LA."

"Oh." Castle inhales sharply. "Shit, Kate, we-on the couch-"

She doesn't like his tone, doesn't like the regret laced in his words. "Do you wish we hadn't?" she asks, bracing for his answer.

There's a long pause, long enough for her heart to drop to her stomach.

"No, I don't. I wish we didn't do it like that, but I don't regret it, Kate." He exhales deeply. "Do you?"

"No." She can't take the pain anymore, physical or emotional. Her chest and side are excruciating, and she needs to get off the phone and rest. "Look, I don't know how long I'll be here, and I can't…" She feels her chest start to tighten at the thought of returning to the city, and she forces a swallow around the lump in her throat. "Why don't you come up here for a few days? My dad had to go back to the city for the week, and I could use the company. Give us a chance to talk."

Her teeth worry her bottom lip during the long silence that follows the question. She doesn't know what scares her more: if he'll say no, or yes.

"I'd love to."

* * *

She tries to clean the next day, to straighten some of the clutter that's collected in the couple of days that her dad's been gone. He'd given the cabin a thorough scrubbing before leaving, so Kate wouldn't have to do anything strenuous.

Not that she could, anyway.

Her scars are almost completely healed, but she'd tugged at her incision scar yesterday, and today it aches. It aches so badly she can hardly move.

She hears the crunch of tires on the gravel drive a few minutes before noon - he's right on time, as usual - and she peels herself off the couch, wraps the throw around her shoulders as she shuffles to the door. She opens it, half expecting him to be standing there already. Instead she's greeted by the view of his ass sticking out of the car, as he leans in the backseat.

He must hear her chuckle, because he pops out of the car with a duffel bag in his hand, and looks right at her. His face lights up with a grin, but even from the porch, she can see the hesitation in his movements towards her.

The short walk from the car to the front porch seems to take hours, and Kate's breath hitches with every step he takes, every moment of his approach. He can't seem to take his eyes off of her, the look in them so tender, full of awe.

"Hi." She speaks first, and it seems to shake him from his stupor.

Castle's face flushes, and he chuckles as he ascends the few steps to join her. "Hi."

Kate lifts a brow. "You're staring," she teases, fingers clenching the edge of the blanket to keep from reaching out to him.

"I-" His voice cracks and he blushes even deeper before clearing his throat. "It's really good to see you, Kate."

She feels her own face flush, heat blossoming over her cheeks. Despite her initial insistence in keeping her distance since her shooting, she's glad she called him, glad she invited him up. "It's good to see you too," she admits, giving into desire and reaching for him, snagging her fingers over the sleeve of his flannel, open over a plain maroon shirt. She tugs lightly, then turns towards the door. "How was the drive?'

"Fine," he answers from behind her, following as usual, shutting the door behind him. "I haven't been this far into the Catskills in years."

Kate clenches her fist at her chest; the ache in her heart has blossomed again, only this time it's not just physical. It's the fluttering she recognizes, that she hasn't felt in several weeks. A fluttering she feels any time she's near him.

"This is a great time to come," she says, leading him into the living room. "Um, I'll give you a tour. It isn't much," she admits, gesturing behind her to the hallway. "A couple bedrooms, living, dining, kitchen."

Castle sets his bag on the floor. "It's great." They fall silent for several moments, both looking around the cabin. "You said it's your dad's?"

Kate looks back at him and nods. "Yeah. He bought it when he was a year sober. He felt like he could finally trust himself to be out here alone, without falling off the wagon."

Castle walks over to the modest bookshelf beneath the large front window, where he grabs a book. "I like it," he says, a teasing lilt to his voice, showing her the cover.

Kate rolls her eyes when she sees _In a Hail of Bullets._ "Don't flatter yourself," she says when he raises his eyebrows. "Dad's never read it." At his smirk, she shoves his shoulder and turns towards the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I don't have much, but I can make a sandwich, or - _oh._ "

She gasps when she opens the refrigerator door. She wasn't thinking, had reached for it with her left arm, and the motion had tugged at her side, at her healing scar. Her knees give out and she sags against the counter, but before she can sink to the floor, Castle is in front of her, hands at her waist, holding her up.

"God, Kate, are you okay?" he breathes, his thumb brushing over her incision.

She manages a nod, but she's not, mentally curses her body for giving up her weakened state so quickly. She hates feeling weak, always has, and although she is healing, sometimes just turning the wrong way will set her chest or side on fire.

"Sit," she manages to gasp, and she lets him guide her to the small dining table, grips his forearms as she sinks down to a chair. "Hurts today is all."

Castle's face is transparent; he's worried, she can see it in the warmth of his eyes, the accompanying furrow of his brow. "What can I do?"

Kate shakes her head. "Nothing, really. It'll pass."

"Kate-"

"Seriously, I'm okay. I'll _be_ okay," she clarifies when he narrows his eyes. "I just need to sit for awhile."

"Okay." Castle gives her face one more once-over before standing. "I'll take care of food. Oh! I almost forgot, I'll be right back." He goes back outside, and Kate hears a car door open and shut, the beep of the lock, before Rick is inside again.

"I brought a few things from the city," he announces, lifting a canvas bag. He sets it on the table and starts to unload it. "I thought about bringing you a latte but it would have been cold, so instead I got a bag of beans from our place. Brought my coffee grinder, didn't know if you had one…"

Kate smiles as he talks. He's rambling, and it's cute. She eyes a pastry box full of bear claws; she hasn't had one since before her shooting, and when he lifts a bottle of vanilla syrup from the bag, her mouth waters. She hasn't had a decent cup of coffee, either.

"So, lunch," Castle finally says, when he's unloaded the coffee and pastries and books and even a few movies. "Anything in particular you'd like? What do you usually have?"

Kate shakes her head. "Just some fruit, usually. Maybe crackers. I don't eat a lot."

Castle gives her a look, full of pity. "I can tell. You've lost weight, Kate."

"Yeah, well," Kate says, squaring her shoulders, "I've been recovering from getting shot in the heart. I'm sorry that my nutrition isn't up to your standards," she snaps.

"Hang on." Castle shuts the refrigerator door and joins her at the table. "What's that supposed to mean? I was just making an observation. You need to keep your strength up."

"Jesus, Castle, this is just like you." She shakes her head again and stands, pushing through the pain in her side. "Trying to tell me what to do. I'm just trying to survive, I don't need your charity on top of it."

"I'm just trying to help!"

"Maybe I don't need your help."

They both fall silent, and after a few moments of staring at each other, Kate sighs and turns away. "I'm tired. I'm going to rest."


	3. Chapter 3

**COUP DE GRÂCE  
PART THREE**

* * *

She wakes to the familiar sound of tires on gravel, and she glances at the clock, surprised to see that over two hours have passed. She feels refreshed after resting, and the ache in her side has dulled. She hears the front door open and she sits up, slowly swings her legs over the side of her bed.

She takes a few minutes to wake fully, rubs the sleep from her eyes, and runs her fingers through her hair to tame it before cracking open the door. Castle is nowhere in sight, so she's able to sneak into the bathroom to freshen up before going back out to face him.

She finds him in the kitchen putting groceries away; the cabin is about fifteen miles from the nearest store, but with her dad gone, she doesn't have a car, and she'd insisted that she had enough food to last the week. Her dad has a few friends in town who had all offered their services to Kate, but she's always been terrible at asking for help, even in times she needs it the most.

"Hey," she says quietly, a hip propped against the counter.

Castle shuts the cabinet door and looks at her in surprise. "Hey. How are you feeling?"

Kate feels her face flush with embarrassment, and she shifts her gaze to the floor. Earlier she practically yelled at the man for showing concern, and he responds by going to the store for her, asking how she is?

She's ashamed of herself.

"Better." When he just nods and turns back to the remaining sacks, she stops him with a hand on his back. "Rick."

He stiffens for a moment before turning to face her. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for earlier. For snapping at you. It was uncalled for." She slides her hand around to his arm, squeezes his bicep, feels it flex beneath her fingers. She'd forgotten how strong he is, how well he hides it beneath his clothes, the loose flannel shirt he's wearing now. "I had no right to snap, you were only trying to help."

"I just want the best for you, Kate," Castle says, leaning against the counter. "I want you to be healthy, to heal."

"I know." She slides her arms around his waist and steps into him, rests her cheek against his chest. She's tense until his arms circle her back, and she sighs, allows herself to relax into him. "I'm sorry for everything," she whispers, lifting her head, her lips brushing against the underside of his jaw. "Everything, Rick."

Castle steps back and looks down at her, lifts one hand to cradle her jaw. "I'm sorry too," he whispers, eyes locked on hers.

She can't look away from him, can't break his gaze, his eyes a bright blue, full of nothing but concern and love. Her fingers brush against the rough stubble against his jaw, and she lifts herself to her toes, presses her lips against his. She moans when his arms tighten around her, and she opens her lips to the gentle prodding of his tongue.

It's so different from their previous kisses; those were hard and angry, forceful, even their first one that was undercover, but this one is passionate and tender. She tries to pour her love into the gentle stroke of her tongue, the curl of her fingers in his hair.

She turns with him until she's pressed against the counter, but when her back hits the edge of the granite she pulls away in pain. Her heart is pounding, but it's too much for the still-healing muscle, and she has to step away from the warmth of his arms.

"Kate?" he breathes, concern in his gaze through the darkened haze of arousal.

"I'm okay," she gasps, but she grips his arms for support as she guides him to the living room so she can sit on the couch.

Castle sits next to her, an arm around her shoulders as she presses her palm against the sternum. "No you're not," he insists. "What can I do?"

Kate shakes her head and leans into his side. "I just need to rest. No more making out for awhile," she teases, pressing her cheek into his shoulder.

Castle chuckles, a low, gravelly noise from deep in his throat. "I can hold out if you can."

Kate snorts. "Yeah, okay." They don't have much of a choice, unfortunately; in her last appointment two weeks before, her doctor had said that her heart itself was healing nicely, even as the tissue around her wounds was slower to heal. She has a tendency to overdo her exercises, often leading to a day or more of being relegated to her bed. So any physical exertion beyond her daily routine has to be minimal.

Sex, or even heavy making out, judging by her body's reaction now, is off the table for the foreseeable future.

It's just as well, because although they've exchanged apologies, they still need to talk. There's a heaviness over them still, a cloud of distrust and anger. The hangar still haunts her dreams, and seeing Rick has only brought the memories back, memories of him dragging her away from her captain and mentor as he sacrificed himself for her.

"Rick?"

"Hmm?"

Kate withdraws from his embrace and moves to the end of the couch, putting space between them. "We need to talk."

* * *

Those four words have never meant anything positive to Castle, and they make his heart drop into his stomach. She's right, of course; while they have apologized for hurting each other, they still communicate primarily in subtext, leaving too many things unsaid.

If they're going to work, if they are heading towards a relationship like he feels they are, this needs to change.

They do need to talk.

"Yeah, we do." Castle turns so he's facing her, one arm propped against the back of the couch. "Why did it take so long for you to call?"

Kate sighs and looks towards the far wall. "I don't know," she admits on a sigh, after a long moment. "I wanted to, I must have picked up the phone a dozen times before I actually did." She looks back up at him, and he can see her eyes shimmering, the tears shiny on her cheeks. "Did you mean it, when you said you loved me? Or did you say it because I was dying, and you-"

"No, Kate, God." He's never moved as fast as he does then, crossing the few feet between them to cradle her face in his hands. His thumbs brush across her cheeks, wiping away the traces of the tears. "I meant it then, and I mean it now." He looks directly in her eyes, hopes she sees that he's being completely honest. "I love you, Kate. I always have."

Kate gives him a watery smile, then leans forward to press a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you too," she whispers against his mouth before leaning back against the arm of the couch. "I needed space from the city, from the shooting…" She pauses. "Even from you. I'm sorry, it sounds awful-"

"It doesn't," Castle reassures her.

"For the two weeks I was in the hospital, all I could think about was Montgomery. The hangar, the funeral. You. I couldn't separate you from what happened. And I just couldn't deal with it." She picks at the knee of her leggings. "I'm a mess, Rick. I love you, but I hate that you dragged me out of that hangar so I couldn't even try to save Roy."

"I'm not going to apologize for saving your life," Castle argues, but he keeps his voice soft. "I'd do anything for you, Kate." He covers her hand with his, squeezes it for emphasis. " _Anything_."

"I know, and that's one of the things I've struggled with." Kate takes a deep breath and meets his eyes again. "When I was in the hospital, every little noise, every glint of sun that came through the window, would send me into a near panic attack." She flips her hand beneath his and laces their fingers together. "Being in the city, it felt like I had a target on my back. I didn't want that for you, too. So when Dad offered to bring me here, I didn't hesitate."

Castle remains silent. He wants to respond, to reassure her that she was safe even in the city and that he wouldn't let anything happen to her. But he lets her continue.

"You tried to push me from a bullet. If you had been a second sooner, and that bullet had hit you? What if you'd died, Rick? What about your mother? What about Alexis?" She's crying again, the tears on her cheeks shimmering in the light. "If Alexis lost her father because of me…"

"Kate," he interrupts, because he can't stand seeing her cry, "it's okay."

She shakes her head even as he cups her face in his hands yet again. "No, it's not. And what about me? If you'd been caught by that bullet instead?" Her hands rise to mirror his, her own thumbs brushing along his jaw, scraping against the stubble that peppers his skin. "I can't imagine my life without you. I had to distance myself from you. Because if they were still coming after me, and you got caught in the crossfire, I couldn't live with myself."

* * *

He wakes when she screams.

It takes him a moment to remember where he is, but as soon as he registers that the scream is coming from Kate he's off the couch.

His legs tangle in the blanket but he manages to step out of it without falling, leaves it in a heap on the floor, makes it to her bedroom door in moments. The door is shut but he can hear her through it, hear her whimper, mostly unintelligible, but he hears his name as well. And that's all he needs to hear before he cracks open the door.

It's dark, but he can just make out her form on the bed. She's curled on her side, and as Castle steps inside he can see her shaking, her brows furrowed, silent tears wetting the pillow beneath her head. He kneels at the side of the bed, brushing back the sweat-matted hair from her forehead.

"Kate," he whispers. "Kate, wake up."

"Castle, no," she whimpers, eyes scrunched shut, turning her face into the pillow. "Rick."

He brushes his thumb across her temple, leans down to press a kiss to her forehead. "I'm here, Kate," he murmurs against her skin. "I'm here."

She reaches for him in her sleep, fingers strong when they grip his t-shirt. Her whimpers stop when she touches him, so he gives up on trying to wake her, instead crawls under the quilt and draws her into his arms. She exhales on a sigh, and after making sure she's still asleep, he drops a kiss to the top of her head and closes his eyes.

* * *

She's hot. Sweltering. Her side hurts, her chest hurts, everything hurts.

Pressure on her chest, on her whole torso. And she can't move.

Oh, shit, she can't move.

The pressure holding her down shifts after she lies there, and she takes a deep breath, wills her heart to stop racing. It takes her a few moments but once the panic is ebated she starts to take in her surroundings, registers that the mattress feels different than usual.

Someone else is in her bed.

"Kate?"

She turns her head at the soft sound of her name, and - _oh -_ it's Castle.

In her bed.

Rick Castle is in her bed.

A memory stirs; she vaguely remembers having a dream, a nightmare, one that she'd had before. It had been vivid, though, and she knows she woke once, tried to shake the image of Castle getting shot instead of her, but she'd fallen right back into the nightmare.

Until a soft, deep voice had invaded her consciousness, had her reaching out, and apparently she hadn't been dreaming when she'd felt his arms around her.

"Hey," she husks, voice rough with sleep, as she turns to her side to face him.

Oh, he's _adorable_ in the morning.

She's seen the sleep-rumpled version of him, hair flopped over his forehead, his eyes tired. But she's never seen him immediately upon waking, with his face still slack with the sleep he's still shaking.

His eyes brighten when they meet hers and he gives her a crooked smile. "Hi. How are you feeling?"

She lifts her shoulder in a shrug. "Better." She stares at him for a moment, then reaches out and brushes the hair back from his forehead. "You're in bed with me."

His cheeks flush, and he sits up, clears his throat. "Yeah. Uh, I heard you scream, so I came in to check on you."

"Thanks." She manages to sit as well, grateful for his supporting hand on her back, his other on her arm. "Can I get you breakfast?"

"No, no, you stay here," he insists, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing. He hesitates for a moment before leaning over and dropping a kiss to her forehead. "You can have coffee, right?"

She smiles. "I can if you make it for me."

* * *

She's missed his coffee.

She's missed him too, of course. His laughter, his ability to make her smile with just a look, the way they theorize on a case. They way he'll call her after a long case just to distract her for a few minutes with tales that his mother brings home from the acting studio.

He's more than her partner. He's her best friend. The man she loves, the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

He stops when he steps back inside the bedroom, his hair wet from a shower. "What?"

Kate blinks and gives him a sheepish smile. She must have looked silly if that was his reaction. "Nothing," she murmurs, lifting her mug to her lips.

He grins and sits next to her. "No, what's that look for?" When she just tucks her hair behind her ear and shakes her head, he squeezes her knee.

"I just…" She sighs and sets her coffee on the nightstand before covering his hand with hers. "I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too." He flips his hand over and laces their fingers together. "Do you get them often?" he asks in a low voice, his eyes on their hands. He raises his gaze to hers when she doesn't respond. "Nightmares."

She hums in assent. "Yeah, I do."

"Are they the same?"

"Usually." She sighs. "I have one every few nights where you're shot instead," she admits on a whisper. She hasn't told this to anyone, not her dad, not her doctor, not even the therapist she's spoken to a couple times on the phone. "Sometimes you die, sometimes you don't. It won't stop, Rick. It's like my mind is punishing me for leaving, for not calling. Reminding me of what I could have lost. What I almost did lose."

Castle's silent for a few moments, moments that seem to drag for hours, before he kisses her. "You could never lose me, Kate," he mutters, dropping his forehead to hers, his eyes fluttering shut. "I'll always be here for you. No matter how much you fight it, how much you push me away." He kisses her again when she tries to interrupt him. "I'm not going anywhere."

Kate manages to lift her free hand to his jaw, to scrape along his stubble, to the longer hair behind his ear. "I love you." She tugs at his earlobe lightly, encouraging him to kiss her again.

His nose bumps against hers when they part. "I love you too."


	4. Chapter 4

**COUP DE GRÂCE  
PART FOUR**

* * *

As much as she knows she'll miss him, she can't go back with him, not yet. Not until she's exorcised her demons, her fears of still being a target. But she doesn't want Castle to feel like he's stuck at the cabin, despite his insistence that he wouldn't be. She tries to spin it so she's doing him a favor.

But even after multiple heart-to-hearts over the next few days, talks that have left her more confident and less afraid, she's still paranoid. She still jumps when a branch breaks outside, and she's still weak physically, as well. She's in more pain than she lets on, and she doesn't want Castle to see her this way.

He's being strong for her. The least she can do is show him that she's healing, even if she pretends she's doing better than she really is.

She doesn't want to show him weakness.

"I want to give you everything," she'd whispered the night before, as they drifted to sleep, her face in the crook of his neck. "All of me. And I can't do that right now. I'm sorry."

His arm had tightened around her shoulders, and he'd pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You don't need to apologize, Kate," he'd muttered against her hair. "I'm not going anywhere."

She lingers by the door now as she watches him put his bag in the car. It's everything she can do to stay vertical, let alone walk the few steps to his car, but when he comes back to her she manages to push herself off the door. His arms wrap around her, and she returns the gesture, grips his shirt in her hands, nuzzles into his chest. "Thank you for coming," she murmurs.

He kisses her hairline, then forehead, then takes a step back and bends down to kiss her lips. "Thank you for letting me," he whispers against her mouth.

"Let me know when you get home?"

"Of course."

She ignores the complaint from her side and loops her arms around his neck, tugging him down for another kiss, one that leaves them both breathless. "I love you," she gasps when they part.

He smiles and cups her cheeks, strokes his thumbs along the slash of her cheeks. "I love you too. You'll call if you need anything? Even if it's the middle of the night and you just need to know I'm alive?"

She narrows her eyes at him. Early the previous morning she'd awakened with a gasp, her recurring nightmare of Rick being shot instead of her fresh on her mind. She'd ignored the ache from her side when she'd reached behind her for Rick. The other side of the bed had been empty, a slight indent of his body, the warmth fading. Her breath had quickened as she'd slid from beneath the sheets in search for him, and by the time she'd found him in the kitchen she'd been so worked up that she nearly collapsed in his arms, fingers clutching his t-shirt.

"I promise." They trade one more I love you before he steps away from her, and after one more kiss, he retreats to his car.

He calls her when he's halfway home, just to check in, he claims, but she can tell by the sound of his voice that he just wants to hear her talk. So she does, shares a few stories from her childhood, memories of her mom that she'd never expected to resurface. She curls on one end of the couch, wrapped in the sweatshirt he'd left behind (on purpose, she suspects). It smells like him, and when she lets out a contented sigh he teases her about it.

"It's been two hours," he jokes, the background noise fading as he presumably turns off the freeway. "I'm going to have to come back there so you don't just wallow in lonely misery, aren't I?"

"No," she mumbles. "Dad will be back tonight, so I won't be alone for very long."

"Uh-huh. You miss me."

"Yeah, I do." That shuts him up, and she curls up even more, nuzzles her nose in the collar of the shirt. "But I'll come home soon. Maybe in a few weeks."

"Can I visit again?" he asks. "Before you do?"

She grins into the fabric of the sweatshirt. This man. He sounds so tentative, so hopeful, and she feels her heart swell with love. "Absolutely. The weekend after next?"

She can imagine the way his grin lights up his face at her response.

"Perfect."

* * *

He barely registers the soft pad of her feet behind him early one morning during his next visit. He doesn't turn, but stiffens at the touch of her hand at the base of his spine. He's tired, up early after a night of restlessness, had finally slid out of bed shortly before sunrise so he wouldn't disturb Kate anymore than he already had.

"You didn't sleep," she murmurs, her lips warm against his bare shoulder, arms sliding around his waist.

He doesn't respond, his gaze steady on the wall in front of him, and her grip tightens, presumably when she registers the stiff set of his shoulders.

"What's wrong?"

Castle steps out of her arms and turns, cups his hands at her elbows. "I have to tell you something."

He doesn't want to, doesn't want to potentially ruin the good place they're in. They've been more open with their feelings this summer than ever before, but he's still keeping one thing from her, has been terrified that she'll hate him for it. But it's eating him up inside, and she needs to know.

"It's about your shooting."

Her face is a kaleidoscope of emotions as she narrows her eyes, confusion making way to suspicion. "What about my shooting?" she asks in a low voice.

"A couple days after you were shot, I got a call from a man who claimed he got a package from Montgomery. In it was evidence, identifying and proving who was behind your mother's murder. Blackmail," he continues at the furrow of her brow. "If anything were to happen to you, the file would be released. But the file was too late, so he made a new deal."

Kate takes a step back, her arms raising to cover her chest, a fist clenching between her breasts, above her scar. "What kind of deal?"

Rick takes a deep breath before continuing. "They'll leave you alone, if you don't pursue the case anymore."

"If I don't-" Kate scoffs. "Who is this guy that called you, what's his name?"

"I only know him as Smith."

"Where can I find him?"

"I have no idea. He called me from an unknown number. I don't even know his first name, or if Smith even if is real name."

"Okay, let me get this straight. You've spoken to someone who knows who had my mom killed, and who ordered me shot, and you don't even know who he is?" She turns on her heel, stalking out of the bedroom, and Castle follows after just a moment of hesitation.

"It's not-"

"How the hell do you know that he's telling the truth?" she interrupts, spinning on her heel and leveling him with a glare. "How do you know he's not behind it all, trying to draw you into a trap?"

"I don't. But Kate, if there was any chance he could be legitimate, I had to check it out."

Kate freezes. "I'm sorry, what? What do you mean, check it out?"

He hesitates, shift his weight from one foot to another. "I've been putting together a case file at home," he admits, and the way her face falls makes his heart sink. "Trying to find out who Smith is, find anything we might have missed. I don't have any answers, but I don't want to keep it from you anymore."

"Rick," Kate interrupts, crossing her arms. "What are you saying?"

"I failed, Kate," he says on a heavy sigh. "I wanted to solve it for you. You said on my first visit that you weren't ready to come back to the city, because it felt like you had a target on your back, so I thought if I could solve it, find the guy who shot you and the bastard behind it, that you could come home sooner. But I couldn't. I can't. I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Kate asks, her voice soft, and she presses a gentle hand to his jaw, scrapes the pad of her thumb along his stubble. "I could have helped you."

"That's exactly why," he explains. "I didn't want you to be a part of it again. You needed to focus on healing, not the case."

"So instead you decided to investigate, to put yourself in danger?"

"Yeah. Your mom's case is the most important thing in your life, and I wanted to do it for you."

Kate smiles softly, and brushes her lips against his. "I appreciate the motive, but I don't need it solved. Not anymore. Don't get me wrong," she continues when he furrows his brow, "I'd love to put him away and let him rot in prison."

He cups his hands around her hips, holds her close as he kisses her again. "I want that for you," he whispers against her mouth.

"I won't, though, and that's okay."

He takes a step back and looks at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"You know I've been talking to a therapist this summer." When he nods, she continues. "If there's one thing I've learned, what almost losing my life taught me, it's that no case is worth my life." She pauses, and her eyes focus on a spot over his shoulder, but after several long moments she smiles and meets his gaze again. "Not mine. Not even my mom's."

"But Kate-"

"Mom fought for justice," she interrupts. "But she'd want different for me. She'd want me to live, and be happy. And being with you makes me happier than any case closure could."

* * *

Castle offers to meet her at her place when she returns home in August, but she finds out that he has a book signing in the East Village the day before she originally planned to come home.

So she decides to surprise him.

She waits in line for almost three hours, and as she gets closer to him she watches him interact with his fans. The crowd is predominantly women, and he smiles at all of them, but as the time passes she can see his smile thin, notices the fatigue start to show around his eyes. He keeps his attention on each fan, though, and judging by the wide grins and giggles she hears, he's just as good at making each one feel special as he was when she first met him all those years ago.

She can tell the moment he notices her, because his face lights up with a grin, wider than she's seen in a long time.

"You can make it out to Kate," she teases when she approaches his table and grabs a book, and he reaches out to take her hand.

His thumb sweeps across her knuckles. "You're here," he breathes, withdrawing his hand when Paula clears her throat behind him. "You're not supposed to be back until tomorrow."

She shrugs a shoulder. "I came back early." She glances at the line behind her, still a few dozen women left, and steps aside. "I'll be around, find me when you're done?"

"Of course. I'll even give you a private signing later," he adds with a wink.

She draws her bottom lip between her teeth, relishes the way his eyes darken. Two can play this game. "I'll count on it."

* * *

He wakes with a start, looks around the room, confusion muddling his mind as his eyes adjust to the dark. Slowly the shapes and shadows clear, and he recognizes the wardrobe, the door to the bathroom, the dark sheets he's beneath. As he wakes fully he remembers what woke him, and he untangles his legs from the sheets, swings them over the side of the bed. His movements are clumsy with sleep even as his mind races, trying to place where the loud bang had come from.

He retrieves his boxers from the floor by the foot of the bed, pushes to the back of his mind the clear memory of Kate sliding them down his legs, her hands and mouth doing wicked things to him just a few short hours before. He doesn't bother with his shirt - it's in the living room, most likely - but goes in search of his girlfriend.

She's in her spare bedroom, her arms crossed, staring at the makeshift murder board that contains the details of her mom's case. A box is on the desk next to her, a heavy-looking wood box, the lid open. When he steps past it he sees that it's empty.

"Are you okay?" he asks as he approaches, a warning before his hand touches her shoulder. She still startles sometimes, if he comes up behind her or if there's a loud noise she wasn't expecting. But she leans into his touch now, drops her head to his shoulder as he moves next to her.

She lets out a quiet hum when his palm squeezes her arm. "I'm good. Did I wake you?"

"I heard a noise, a loud bang."

"That was me, I dropped that box." She tilts her head to press a kiss to his bare shoulder. "Sorry."

"That's okay." He glances down at her hands; she's holding a picture of her mom, smiling, a photo he recognizes from the case file. "Everything okay?"

She hesitates before answering. "Yeah, I woke up from a dream and couldn't get back to sleep."

"A bad dream?"

"Not this time," Kate assures him with a brush of her lips against his jaw. "Dreamt about my mom."

She falls silent, but Rick doesn't speak, simply trails his fingers along her bicep. She has more to say, he can sense it, and she'll say it when she's ready.

"It's funny," she begins a few minutes later, "for a long time after she died, I'd have nightmares about her death. Mostly I was there, watching it happen, and I couldn't stop it." She leans into him even more. "Similar to the ones I had about you after I was shot."

Rick just nods, rests his cheek against the top of her head.

"But tonight-" She trails off then chuckles, a sound out of place in the still of the night. "It's weird. But we were all just having dinner. Mom, Dad, me." She tilts her head back and looks up at him, a small, almost sad smile on her face. "You."

He just squeezes her arm in encouragement to continue.

"In my dream, I kept looking at you. And every time I'd look away, Mom was grinning at me, this smile she'd get that always preceded 'I told you so.' And when I woke up, I realized that in my dream, I felt complete. Truly happy."

"Because she was there?"

"Yes, but it's more than that." She steps away and turns to face him, the picture clutched in her hand. "There was no death," she explains, her eyes alight with something that, until recently, he hadn't seen in some time.

Joy.

"I was happy because I was with family, Rick." She takes his hand and laces her fingers through his. "Mom wouldn't want me to live with her death hanging over me any more than it already does. So, will you help me take this down?"

Rick shifts his gaze to the wall behind her, the illuminated window. When he looks back at her she seems nervous, her bottom lip between her teeth, and he cups her jaw with his free hand so he can guide her mouth to meet his in a soft kiss. "Of course," he breathes against her lips when they part. "But only if you're sure."

Kate nudges his nose with hers before stepping back. "Putting this away feels like the start of a new chapter." She glances down at the floor and when she lifts her gaze back to him from beneath her eyelashes, she regards him with a shy smile. "I'd like if the rest of my story included you."

His breath catches in his throat at her words. They've talked a little about their future, but nothing about it long-term. They haven't even been on a real date, one where he can woo and spoil her, save for a romantic picnic during one of his trips to the cabin.

"Not your story," he responds, his voice gruff with emotion. He cups both of her cheeks, his thumbs tracing her cheeks. "Ours."

 **-FIN-**

* * *

 _A/N: First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for their patience, and apologize for the long wait. When I began posting I had all four parts written and uploaded, but when it came time to post this final one, I couldn't bring myself to. I wasn't happy with it, and I didn't want to post something that I felt didn't finish telling the story I wanted to tell. Hopefully it was worth the wait. Thanks as always to Callie for the beta (although some of this last one went unchecked), as usual any mistakes are mine and mine alone. Thank you for reading!  
_


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